The Correct Words

• "peter" is the correct term when visiting a physician for ointment, unguent, or salve.
• "peener" is preferred in casual conversation in Austin.
• "tallywacker" (var: tallywhacker) should be used when discussing circumcision.
• "cock" is correct only in intimate settings or when slapping someone around.
• "penis" should be used in the context of puppetry, or when used as an insult.
• "male organ" (or "penis") are put to the best use when discussing etymological issues or the correct choice of words for the male organ.
• "member" may be used whenever "limb" is used in the same sentence.
• "prick" should be spoken with a British, Scottish, or Welsh accent, and is always the term used in films made according to dogme 95.
• "manhood" is now rarely used, but enjoyed popularity in treatises published by the Annalen Der Physick and the American Chemical Society early in the twentieth century.
• "willie" is acceptable if you are a girl under six years old and are wearing a plaid wool skirt.
• "schlong" is preferred when bragging or when expressing envy or admiration.
• I could use help with:
  dick
  wanger
  ding-a-ling
  John Thomas
  one-eyed trouser snake
  Johnson
  Willie
  dork
  weiner
  Jade stem

Some Rules that Depend on Human Nature

1. If you're in your car stopped at a stop light, and you give money to someone who is standing on the side of the road, then when the light changes to go they will have more money if, when you gave them the money, you were close to the intersection than they would have if you were behind a lot of cars. (This means that if you want to maximize, over the long run, the amount of money that someone gets, you should save your money until you are close to the intersection when you stop and not near the end of the line. Obviously, this only makes a difference if you SOMETIMES give someone money but not ALWAYS.)
2. If you're going to quit smoking cold-turkey, you should probably start to quit on a Monday (Columbus Day doesn't count). (Obviously, this will not work if you are RETIRED.)
3. If you are marketing cosmetics to men,
   • say potent, don't say botanical
   • say alcohol
   • say acid, don't say astringent
   • say root, stem, leaf, don't say flower or blossom (use bud with care)
   • say shrink, don't say refine
   • say powerful don't say invigorating
   • say beard and whisker
   • say blackhead, don't say blemish
   • say soap
   • say lather
   • say scrub don't say exfoliate
   • say wet don't say moisturize
   • say cologne don't say perfume
   • use German not French
   • use Greek not Latin
   • use Anglo-Saxon not Romance
   • say storm not breeze
   • say skin not complexion
   • say concentrate or extract not essence
   • say oil but not essential oil
   • say grip, squeeze
   • say kills or knocks out, not eliminates or removes
   • say dressing not conditioner
   • say cream not mousse
   (Note: If you do not break at least one of these rules, you will LOSE ABOUT HALF of your market.)

How can we arrange the books on our bookshelves?

1. By author's last name.
2. By title.
3. By subject.
4. By size.
5. Horizontally.
6. By color.
7. By hardbacks and paperbacks.
8. By publisher.
9. By read/unread books.
10. By strict order of acquisition.
11. By order of publication.
12. By number of pages.
13. According to the Dewey decimal system.
14. According to the Library of Congress system.
15. By ISBN.
16. By price.
17. According to new and used.
18. By enjoyment.
19. By sentimental value.
20. By provenance.
21. By still more esoteric arrangements.

What is Life?

1. BIRTH. A cell that's dead at time t becomes live at t+1 only if exactly three of its eight neighbors were live at t.
2. SURVIVAL. A cell that was live at time t will remain live at t+1 if and only if it had just 2 or 3 live neighbors at time t.
3. DEATH by overcrowding. A cell that's live at t and has four or more of its eight neighbors live at t will be dead by time t+1.
4. DEATH by exposure. A live cell that has only one live neighbor, or none at all, at time t, will also be dead at t+1.